1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Too right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid £5 to come to the cinema and stare at the bloody floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Hijacker: Everybody this is a hijack..nobody moves or I'll blow up this plane
Jamaican: Hey B**ty Bway siddung an mine a buss yuh rahtid head! A wi yaad wi a go an yuh a come blurtnaught talk bout hijack!
Hijacker: I am serious ..don't try anything funny Jamaican boy
Jamaican:Blood fyah unu hear di likle maama man a call big man bway ..
Crowd: Bax dung di bway bredren ..Im dam outta arda an feisty! Lick im fi six my yout!
A FIGHT BREAKS OUT!! ..
Crowd:Goooweh, goooweh goooweh!!
The flight attendants cheer on.
The captain hears the rumble.. he embarks from the cockpit. Captain: Hay Hey is what going on in here. Why unu beating up di farrin yout?
Jamaican: Captain di bway noh come talk bout Hijack when im si seh people a try reach Kingston before midnight..
Captain: Hijack?!!!
Jamaican: Yes Captain ..im claim seh im waa fi come blow up di plane an rae rae an a come call big man bway afta mi tell im fi siddung..Cho,Mi all hav a Stone love dance fi ketch 7:30 tinite an di bway a try hole up di progress!
Captain: **KUFF!!!!** Hey lickle pimple face bway yuh tink yuh can come on ya an tek ova BIG MAN plane.??? **KUFF** Siddung an quite yuself before a sail yuh troo di exit door.
Flight Attendants .. if im get up outta dat seat fi di res a di flight mash up wan a di rum bakkle ina im blastid head! Is why some a unu caan behave unuself dowe eeh ..cho!
Crowd: **Applause**.. (Jeering) Serve yuh right! Yuh too tan bad...waan come hijack wi plane afta wi serve yuh nice hat mout watering food. Dam brite! Wait til wi lan a Kingston.
Tha's funny Bolivar. Even more so because it could happen so fi true.
JAMAICANS AT WAR
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a voice said. "This is Donovan down in Kingston, Jamaica. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."
"Well, Donovan," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Donovan after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor John, and the entire dominoes team from the run bar -- that makes eight."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Donovan that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"raatid!" said Donovan, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day Donovan rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."
"And what equipment would that be, Donovan?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two Colt 45s, a Uzi and a machete each from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Donovan, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Donovan. "I'll have to ring you back."
Donovan rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on.
We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified a plane from Tinson Pen with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the football team has joined us as well."
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Donovan that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million men."
"Lord have mercy!" said Donovan. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Donovan called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Donovan, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
But pona srious not chez, If Clovis and Di BOYS did portray dat kinda attitude when we played mexico both times dis year, we woulda certainly a go a Japan next year....
But we still a keep strong inna di mix.. Nuff respect to di Younger reggaeboys (U20'S)..
Man like Marco Man like JJ Man like Bibi Gardner Man like Keith Kelly Man like Omar Daley Man like Fabian Taylor Man like Wily Boo And all the Young Youths wah a represent wi fi di future World Cup side...
Large up unu side cause mi dun already see a new more mature and successful type of football wah uno a bring forth inna Jamaica..
People...This failure to qualify fi di World cup is not really a failure cause it a bring forth a new consciousness, a new mentality and consequently, a new style and attitude inna di new youths wah a come up...
Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may also provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
TRANSPORTATION: Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling o Detroit, then the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
MEALS: Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers and Costco Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be consumed in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should take advantage of all-you-can-eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together -- as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
MISCELLANEOUS: All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made, as time permits.
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South Floridians for Asafa
